My Dad Dying Was His Greatest Gift To Me
It’s been seven years today since my beautiful dad suddenly passed away.
There is something special about the number seven. It has made me reflect a lot over the last few days. And when I reflect I always draw through much wisdom and I wish to share this wisdom with you, so that you may open to the truth that often it is in our darkest hour that we find the most light.
The last seven years of my life have been both the hardest of my life and my most blessed.
These were my Facebook Memories from 30 July, seven years ago (2 days before my dad’s death) and 6 years ago (363 days after his death).
Looking at these, I am reminded of how dramatically life can change and the truth that we never know when the Universe is going to throw us a metaphorical curve ball.
Five days before my Dad passed away, our home was broken into at 3am while we slept upstairs. We woke to hear the gate slamming shut and watched as our car was driven out of the driveway and down the street. It was quite surreal and terrifying when we realised that someone had been in our home while we and our baby girls slept upstairs.
I was gripped by fear for days and was unable to sleep and in retrospect, I can see the merit in my FB post that I was ready to put this week behind me.
It had been a shit week.
Little did I know how shit life can get.
Interestingly I seemed to pull myself out of the slump that I had found myself in by the Sunday morning, as that morning I was excited that my ‘baby’ brothers baby was due and I felt a strange calmness in the air, a feeling that it would all be OK.
I have written about that morning in detail previously here.
Within a few weeks of my dad’s passing, my little boy decided it was time for him to join our little family. This was definitely not in ‘the plan’ at that stage, yet I have no doubt he dropped in earlier than planned to save me from my desperate grief.
That year was one of huge transformation for me.
From the darkness of death to the light of new life.
I rode that wave.
I held on tight.
I didn’t know where it was going.
But I didn’t jump off.
Even though fear screamed at me to jump off this volcanic wave that the Universe had delivered to me and fall into the darkness of the waves below me and struggle in that darkness. I so easily could have, in some ways it felt easier to do this.
But I didn’t because I knew, somewhere deep within me, that this was all happening for a reason and I had to make the most of it, even though I didn’t know where it was going and who I was becoming.
I did this crazy thing, and I trusted in something beyond me. Something bigger than me.
Totally crazy for who I was at that time – a controlling, perfectionist, who honestly didn’t have a clue how to let go and trust. But I didn’t need to know how, I just allowed myself to be guided.
I know I could have dropped into a deep depression after my dad passed away and the world would have understood, it would have been almost acceptable for me to do so!
I left my family two weeks after Dad’s passing and returned to Brisbane where we were living at the time. My heart was broken. But I had to move through the days for my baby girls, who were only three and one at the time. And I was lovingly supported in my grief by my hubby and one dear friend and her family (you know who you are, and I love you). Yet, there were moments when I wanted to stay in the darkness that engulfed me each morning when I woke.
But my girls brought light into my days and then my baby boy implanted himself in my womb and so deeply in my heart and the cracks started to heal, just a little. The excitement and joy that bubbled within me, reminded me that life must continue.
And I made a choice.
I chose to step out of my darkness and embrace the gifts that the Universe had bestowed on me.
And that’s what it came down to. A choice.
And it is as simple as that to begin with.
The intention to change.
The intention to transform.
The intention to use my darkness to reclaim my light.
Now don’t get me wrong, there is more to it than making the choice and setting the intention to change. But this is where we must start.
And when we start here we signal to the Universe that we are committed to changing and then the Universe supports us in our transformation, in our growth.
And oh, how have I grown.
My dad wouldn’t know me! And that does make me sad, because how I wish I got to share this me with him.
I have absolutely no doubt he would call me a witch (a white witch, of course). But I strongly believe he would ‘get’ me and he would ‘get’ what I do. I think he would be intrigued. I think he was incredibly intuitive and had a strong sense of people and a gift in being able to connect with others and bring joy and laughter into their day.
And he cared.
He had a habit of befriending the underdog and would then go out of his way to help them, in whatever way he could. From driving them to medical appointments, to giving them money (the little he had to share), to finding them work, to simply calling them to have a chat and check in on how they were going.
Maybe my dad was a ‘winged one’. Maybe he still is – guiding us in his own unique way!
I’ve never thought of him before in that way, but it makes so much sense. He was Irish and the Irish culture is deeply connected to the Fae mythology (Fairy / Leprechaun and all those little mystical creatures). While we always talked Leprechaun’s growing up, there was one conversation I had with my dad where he alluded to the fact that his mother was a ‘deeply knowing’ one.
Maybe it’s in the blood this ‘deep knowing’ I have and my children have!
Perhaps my dad needed to pass for me to activate my own deep knowing, to activate my amazing healing gifts?
My dad may have needed to pass to bring me into my truth. To bring me home to who I really am.
How blessed I have been because of my dad’s passing!
And that never ends, the journey into ourselves, because we are limitless. But we must first put our hand up and say;
I want to go deeper.
I want to know myself even more than before.
I want to become who I am so that I can be all that I am in this life.
It is not always easy, transforming. I tell my clients, that when you are prepared to fully show up and BEcome, it isn’t always a walk in the park and smelling roses.
Sometimes we must go into the darkest corners of our soul and feel the pain we have run from, in this life, in many lives. Yet it is in having the courage to step into our darkness, be with our pain, explore it, understand it, honour it, then we find nuggets of gold. Slivers of light that make us remember that all the work is worth it.
I have been curled in foetal position, held in my husbands arms in the grips of pure fear and crippling anxiety on the back of opening my energetic being that came with me studying kinesiology. I opened too quickly (or perfectly if I was to take a lesson from it), remembering energy and my true calling, but I was not ready.
I didn’t understand energy, its power and how to work with it, how to honour it in myself and in others. I played with the power of it, not understanding the power that it can have, should it not be honoured.
I was brought to my knees. A phone call away from committing myself to a mental health facility.
But I stood up and said ‘I don’t want it to be like this. Help me to do it differently, please God.’ And I listened and I asked my Kinesiology mentor to help me. And she worked her butt off, clearing more energetic debris than I have ever had to clear from another. I cried traumatised by the violation I felt at allowing so much dirty dark energy to penetrate me.
I was scared of energy after that. I feared working with it. I feared I was not strong enough to hold against the power of the dark. And I felt I deserved to be punished for not working with integrity. Not honouring the energy of those I was working with.
Yet I did not understand energy. I didn’t understand how to protect myself. I didn’t know!
At this time, having been through the trauma of psychic attack, I could have run. I could have so easily run and never worked with energy again. Never worked with another client.
I could be working in some Health and Safety role right now. My soul crippled by my fear.
How many lifetimes have I wasted, where my extraordinary soul failed to step into her full beauty and power because of fear?
I chose to rise again.
And I asked for help.
Help me to overcome my fear.
Help me to learn to protect myself.
Help me to trust I am protected.
Help me to serve others while honouring myself first.
Help me to learn. Please.
And I was gifted with a beautiful healer, who took me into and through my fears. And I became the healer I was always meant to be. And I am forever grateful for her in my life.
And I do my work every day and have continued to transform because of that work.
Even this past week, I was called to face some ‘stuff’ that was getting in the way of me stepping further into my truth, that was stopping me from taking my Soul Work out into the world.
And I was furious, like really fxcking furious, that I was being forced to heal this deep dark and painful energy. And I resisted, raging at the Universe for how unfair it felt that I had to do even more work. The irony being that I love doing my work. I am the Transformation Queen. I’m always willing to take things up a notch.
But this, well this was big.
Again my rage made me want to stay stuck in it. But I realised that I was simply choosing to stay stuck and uncomfortable and angry. So I asked for help, again!
And the help came. And everything fell into place, as I trusted it would, so that I could have a Theta Healing session with yet another beautiful healer who I value beyond measure in my life!
And yesterday I had that healing. 4 ½ hours after lying on her treatment table I opened my eyes and stood up, free from my rage and with the core of my being, my beautiful Soul fundamentally transformed….once again!
Ohhhhh the magic!
I said yes to the Universe calling for me to change. And every time I say yes, and surrender to that calling and ask for help, I am supported in my transformation.
And so can you.
Surrender. And ask for the help you need to transform, to get out of your stuckness!
Journal your struggle.
Connect with your struggle.
Let your struggle have a voice.
Let it tell you why it is hanging around. It is there, because it wants you to take notice.
Listen to the inner wisdom desperately trying to guide you, that comes through when you allow yourself to write ‘mindlessly’.
Allow the pen to scribble across the page and tell you all you need to be told.
And then do your work guided by your inner knowing. YOUR beautiful divine Soul.
The key to changing is YOU have to show up and YOU have to do your work!
And Dad, I thank you for the gift you opened within me in your passing from this life. The benefit has extended well beyond me and I am assured it will continue to ripple even further afield as I continue to courageously rise in my truth.
Rest In Peace, Blue x